[Note: this post is mirrored on Locke is Great but it was too long and I enjoyed writing it too much not spread the lovin']
So, Jacob’s told John to “move the island”. Simple, ridiculous and baffling as only Lost can be. Also, Locke is the new Ben. There’s much to think about, so let’s indulge in a critical appreciation of John Locke’s life and work, as portrayed in this episode.
1. Locke: So fucking special.
I wish I was special. But I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo; and most of all, I’m not Locke. Still, I’m not the only one. Take a look at these weirdos:
Weirdos have been following John all through his life. First weirdo came to him as a boy – the mysteriously ageless Richard Alpert, who brought John some things that weren’t his and asked him which of them were his: and when John chose (no doubt correctly) Richard shat his pants and ran away like a silly little girl with silly little pigtails. John chose the knife, you see. Even as a poor adopted kid who liked board games and having a side parting, John nurtured a dark, awesome passion for adventure and bloody carnage.
Second weirdo, apparently called Matthew Abandon, or something, disguised himself as an ‘orderly’ (which is Americanadian for ‘porter’) insisted he was “a lot more than just an orderly” and told John to go on a walkabout. John initially regarded this idea as bonkers: Matthew the bonkers porter hadn’t apparently noticed that he’d just moments ago picked John up from a physiotherapy session, which John had attended, quite sensibly, because his father crushed his spine with gravity and greed. Still, spooky Matthew was quite adamant that John was to go to Australia and walk about, which as we well know, he eventually did, or almost did, choosing instead to survive a plane crash and recover the use of his legs in the process, and the rest is the history; and by ‘history’ I of course mean the best bits of the first three series of ‘Lost’.
2. Locke:d
This was jolly clever wasn’t it? Locke – locked in a…locker. Hilarious.
No doubt John’s contemporaries at school had a fondness for such visual puns, as all good teenagers do when they’re not fiddling with their privates (and if they’re lucky, somebody else’s privates). I refuse to accept that they’d locked Locke in the locker out of spite or malice – as is suggested in this scene – but rather out of fear and overwhelming sexual urges. They locked up Locke for their own protection. Needless to say, in a deleted scene that’s been deleted from the “deleted scenes” section of the DVD (but trust me, it’s there) John explains to the masses that locking him in a locker would be an excellent practical introduction to conceptual art. He convinces his classmates, of course, of the higher aesthetic purposes at work here – and his intelligence, charm and wit physically causes the panties of every cheerleader in a radius of 50ft to dissolve, and a super time is had by all. So anyway, that’s what really happened. I know how these things work: I’ve seen “She’s All That” and “Mean Girls”. Cheerleaders are always sexy bitches and people who are good at science always have nosebleeds. It’s destiny.
3. Locke: He gives you fever. Jungle fever.
When you go back and watch Lost from the beginning, you realise that Locke’s fundamental raison d’etre is simply to spend as much time in the jungle as possible getting sweaty and violent. This has been one of the highest joys of Season 4 so far: Locke’s spent every episode since the finale of last season in the jungle, and has only changed his tee-shirt once.
This week he went back to work on one of his many side projects: neuromancy. When John doesn’t know what to do, he just goes to sleep (with one eye open, mind) and waits for the spirits to tell him what to do. They always do.
Thanks Horace. By the way, your nose is bleeding. That means you’re good at science. I have to ask though, who are the “we” that have been waiting for John for such a long time? Would it be too far-fetched to suggest that “we” actually refers to everyone in the entire fucking world? No, I don’t think it would. Now that it seems not only Ben but Jacob himself has given John the keys to the island, John’s taking this bad boy on tour.
PS. For those of you who like stories to have a moral, the moral of this story is: abandon Locke as a baby and you will get hit by a car. It’s destiny.
Fuck yeah.
Thanks to Lost Easter Eggs for most the screencaps.
