Your Horoscopes for Today

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Pieces

You most likely will not spend the next twenty four hours in an unbroken state of total euphoria. If someone asks you a question, respond to it. Sometimes it’s OK to lie. Sometimes it isn’t. You will find that you can tell a lot about a person from their personality. The orbital path of Venus through your sign this month suggests you will probably use a public toilet at some point between now and the end of your life.

Sagittarius

Be open to new ideas. Somebody may well say something you don’t fully agree with. This is perfectly normal; just assume they are wrong and move on. They may not be wrong, but now is not the time for conflict. Alternatively, now is the time for conflict. The choices you make will have consequences. Neptune’s passage through the constellation Bolloxia indicates the reckless spending of money may not be in your best interests long term. Don’t be surprised if you’re walking past a butcher’s shop and suddenly find your thoughts turning to sandwiches.

Aries

Your employer may ask you to do something you don’t want to do today. Do it anyway, and try to resist the temptation to wee in his latte, even if a perfect opportunity presents itself. Sleep in your socks and you might find your shower tomorrow morning is marginally more pleasant. If you have a penis, do not stick it in the toaster.

Libra

Be kind to animals. Enjoy your morning poo. If you have an itch, scratch it, and don’t be afraid to vocalise the satisfaction you feel. If a man with a pony tail approaches you at a train station with an offer that initially sounds appealing, think twice before accepting. His “gremlin joo-joo sods” may not have the effect he promises. Eat a hearty breakfast, before leaving the house if this fits with your morning schedule.

Gemini

The full moon this Tuesday suggests now is a perfect time not to engage in acts of gross public indecency. Be wary of men named Wayne who have tattoos of spiders anywhere above the waist. Believe everything you see on the news. Tell someone exactly what you think of them. If this opinion is pejorative, express it from a safe distance. You may find that not everyone you meet instantly throws themselves at your feet in adoration.

Cancer

Do not aggravate a leopard this week. The alignment of Saturn with some other big shiny object billions of miles away has profound implications for very specific details of your personal life. Do not propose marriage to strangers on trains. Eat a sausage, or a vegetarian substitute. If your house is burgled, don’t take it personally. It’s just that you were out and lots of expensive electrical equipment was plainly visible through your open ground floor window. Drink a glass of water.

Leo

You are not an astronaut: it’s time to face facts. Your job is dull and meaningless and could be done twice as efficiently by a machine. A year from now, it probably will be. Either that, or by a man from Delhi who’ll insist to you over the phone that his name is Charlie. His name is not Charlie, and the bank loan he is offering you is extortionate. Climb a tree.

Virgo

The prominence of Mercury in the north west indicates a 0.1 – 0.2% chance of having a mildly upsetting dream about potato salad, home-made explosives, German foreign policy or chiropody. Now might be a good time to go on holiday. Stay away from warzones, Europe, America, Africa and Asia. If you’re not married, chances are you’ve thought about what it would be like at some point. The past is not the future.

Capricorn

Doctors are well-educated people whose advice can have beneficial effects if you’re not well. Cook. The microwave is not your friend, as is clearly demonstrated by the constellation Lyra passing through the constellation Dracon, even though that happened billions of years ago before life on earth even evolved. Form an opinion. Take your shoes off before your underwear. Do your best not to appear ridiculous. You will eventually die.

Scorpio

The sea will claim her children as her own. Perhaps you should take the bus instead. You are not Julius Ceaser, and you never will be.

Taurus

Taurus is the sign on the lion, or the bull, or some other beast with powerful legs and big teeth. This applies only to you. Be a monster, but don’t forget to turn on the charm when necessary. A little bribery goes a long way.

Aquarius

Sleep in a bed, with sheets and pillows. Don’t spend too much time worrying about your hair. Watch less television. Stare out the window instead. Entertainment is a state of mind. You may have eaten bread before but that shouldn’t stop you doing it again. Bread has been a staple part of the human diet for millennia. Don’t arrange your books alphabetically: such is the road to destruction.

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